Day 23: Where there’s a will…there’s a maybe.

When to say “when” is a recurring decision in life, isn’t it? How long do you give something before giving in, giving up…or giving it your all? I feel like I’ve just settled in here and, in a week, it’ll be time to head home unless the stars align and allow me to stay. I’ve done a little leg work to make that happen but didn’t want to make things too difficult. If it clicks, it clicks. If it doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be. That’s what I tell myself anyway.

We hear that often in life. Que sera, sera. All we can do is try. How hard and for how long is up to you… Screen shot 2015-03-24 at 11.15.49 PM

For instance, I’ve been trying to move to France for as long as I can remember. I finished college there. I lived in the Marais on sabbatical in 2005–went on interviews, joined a meetup group, made friends who I still see today. I worked for a French conglomerate with an office here but could never transfer despite repeated attempts. Every time I’m in Paris for leisure I schedule a meeting with an agency or professional contact just to see where it might lead. Years and years of this networking, job hunting and learning the language, lay of the land and culture amounted to… rien du tout. That’s French for nada, nil, a big fat egg. I shouldn’t say it amounted to nothing, I have years of great travel experiences throughout the country that might fill a book some day. But as for Paris, it’s just my unrequited love. People tell me I must not have wanted it bad enough or else I’d be there. I say, well, I can’t get around the government. Illegal immigration just wasn’t on my bucket list.

As for here and now? The decision to come to the Farmcoast was fairly fast and easy. After whirlwind holidays and a frazzled early winter, I knew in my gut I needed a change of scenery. And without much rigamarole, I found a sublettor, a rental car and a beautiful waterfront house. Voilà! The last three weeks, I’ve been both productive and relaxed with a touch of chaos thrown in just to keep me on my toes. But now, the snow has melted, spring has sprung and it’s just about time to make another move.

When you see the end in sight, what’s your instinct? Scramble to pack the most you can in? Sit back and coast your way out? Reflect back or reach forward or a little of both?Screen shot 2015-03-24 at 10.51.08 PM

I’m suffering from inertia. I kind of want to universe to decide. I give! I’m letting go and leaving it up to some other power than my own. My sublet listing is posted. I have a car rental lined up if someone commits. The owner of the house I’m in says it’s available if I want it. The lines are out to sea, we’ll see what catches. Will I keep hunkering down or return to the life I set on a shelf? I could push. I could scramble. But I don’t want to force what doesn’t fit.

When I started my 30 days of me time, one of my goals was to not plan and just to accept which way the wind blows. Did I learn anything? I hope so. I sit here thinking staying would be nice…and so would returning. Each path is different but neither necessarily better. I’ll make the best of it, either way until the next fork in the road. And, honestly, (I do recognize,) amongst the decisions in life, this one’s so not a big deal.

The point is, we do what we can to lay the groundwork most days. Every day mapped out like a decision tree. We say yes or no to what’s in front of us. And as for what’s not–what’s behind door numbers 1, 2 and 3–well, any one of them is a surprise. And who doesn’t like surprises?

One thought on “Day 23: Where there’s a will…there’s a maybe.

  1. You make me want to argue with you. And then hug you.
    I’d send you flowers if i knew your address. Can I have a clue?


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